Archive for the ‘relatii’ Category


Posted: Iulie 27, 2010 in relatii

Narcissists are often frustrated in love relations as they search for the ideal mate, who does not exist for them in reality. Their most pervasive trait is a lack of empathy and insensitivity to the needs and feelings of their objects. They fuse with their objects exactly as
they view the world—as an extension or appendage of themselves—and are unable to share anyone else’s good fortune. In conjoint therapy, these dynamics and defenses become more explicit as we see movements flowing back and forth between guilt and shame, envy and jealousy, perfectionism and chaos, domination–control and submission, dependency and omnipotent control, and attachment and detachment. In many of my earlier contributions, I refer to these dynamics as “the dance,” which explains why couples stay in painful conflictual relations, interactions that go on and on, round and round, without ever reaching any conflict resolution. As Freud noted, the need for others and the need for love are very powerful emotions that pour an overflowing ego libido into the object. This mimics a psychotic state, a reunion of highly charged emotional and bodily experiences. As Freud noted, the need for others and the need for
love are very powerful emotions that pour an overflowing ego libido into the object. This mimics a psychotic state, a reunion of highly charged emotional and bodily experiences. Any threat or reminder of this early trauma triggers profound feelings of not
being special or not being the “only one”: “What do you mean you’re going to visit your brother? You put your brother before me! I’m your husband and I should come first!” Narcissists have excessive entitlement fantasies and an inflated sense of
self. They display a pervasive pattern of self-importance and often have an exaggerated illusion regarding their accomplishments and talents. They are dominated by such primitive defenses as idealization, omnipotent denial, omnipotent ideal, grandiosity, devaluation, isolation, projection, projective identification and splitting. They are often competitive and envious, will go to any extreme to win and will do anything to prove their specialness. When confronted, challenged or not properly admired or appreciated, they will go into a narcissistic rage or withdraw into a narcissistic retreat. When their personal sense of pride has been threatened, they will fly into a narcissistic rage or withdraw and isolate themselves. Basically, narcissists do not respond to confrontation. So what should therapists do when they need to confront the narcissist? The first step is to prepare for the onslaught. They need to be amply mirrored, praised and acknowledged before they are given even the smallest piece of constructive criticism”.

Lackhar, How to talk to a narcissist.

When intensity level was controlled, several substantial differences between jealousy and envy emerged. Jealousy was
distinguished from envy by higher scores in four areas: (a) distrust, including feeling betrayed, rejected, and suspicious;
(b) fear, including feeling worried, anxious, and threatened; (c) uncertainly, including feeling confused about the state of
the relationship; and (d) loneliness, including feeling left out and abandoned. Four reactions also differentiated envy from
jealousy. Specifically, envious individuals experienced more: (a) disapproval of their own feelings; (b) longing for what
another person possesses; (c) motivation to improve oneself; and (d) degradation, which included feeling humiliated and
inferior. Insecurity appears to be related to both jealousy and envy. However, the insecurity stemming from jealousy is
more strongly focused on uncertainty about the status of one’s relationship or position, whereas insecurity associated with
envy centers more squarely on one’s perceived inferiority to others.

Ciabattari (1988) proposed the interesting hypothesis that jealousy and envy originate in love and hate, respectively. According to this view, jealousy (though it may ultimately lead to hate) can only exist when a person loves someone and wants to protect the relationship. In contrast, envy stems from resenting or hating someone for having something you do not possess. If this is true, then the functions that jealousy and envy serve are very different. On the positive side, jealous individuals should strive to protect and maintain their relationships, whereas envious individuals should strive to improve themselves so they are competitive with the rival. On the negative side, jealous individuals may become overly possessive and demanding, whereas envious individuals may strike out against those people who make
them feel inferior.

In a test of the self-evaluation maintenance view, Salovey and Rodin (1984) tested and found support for the contention
that envy is strongest under three eliciting conditions.
1. There must be a negative self-to-other comparison.
2. This comparison must be in an area that is highly self-relevant to the potentially envious person.
3. The envious person and the rival should be similar in abilities and/or share a close relationship.

When these conditions are present, envy is likely to be experienced and the envious person should engage in coping
behaviors to help alleviate negative affect. Salovey and Rodin (1988, 1989) forwarded three such coping strategies: (a)
self-reliance, which includes avoiding outward emotional expression, keeping busy, and refusing to ask others for help;
(b) self-bolstering, which includes concentrating on one’s positive qualities and doing nice things for oneself; and (c)
selective ignoring, which includes re-evaluating the importance of a goal so that it is no longer highly self-relevant.
Communicative behaviors associated with these coping strategies might include the following: avoiding communication
with the rival, spending time with people who are positively reinforcing, engaging in activities in which one has
exceptional ability, and talking about one’s achievements with others.

Spitzberg, Dark side of close relationships, 1989

Dragoste si atasament

Posted: Iulie 20, 2010 in relatii

„Some studies of love and attachment suggest a link to pursuit. Williams and Schill (1994) describe people with a selfdefeating
personality as high in a mania love style, which is possessive, dependent, and jealous. „Once in a relationship, they appear to strive constantly to attract a partner’s attention and are intensely jealous” (p. 33). Sperling and Berman (1991) also described people with a style of „desperate love” as people who have:

experiences such as a feeling of fusion with the lover, a sense of urgency about the relationship, an overwhelming desire for and anxiety concerning reciprocation, idealization of the lover, feelings of insecurity outside the relationship, difficulty with interpersonal reality testing in the relationship, anxiety at separations, and extremes of happiness and sadness. (pp. 47-48).

Not surprisingly, they found that such people could be characterized by more dependent attachment styles.”

Spitzberg, Dark side of close relationships, 1989.