Posted: August 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

Cum s-a format Esenin: imediat dupa casatorie si dupa conceperea lui Esenin, tatal pleaca departe, pentru 5 ani. Deci in cei mai importanti ani pentru formare, tatal lipseste total. Cum putea Esenin sa se simta altfel decat abandonat?
Mama lui era aspra si rigida. Ea spunea: pe copii nu trebuie sa ii saruti decat in somn. Deci isi interzicea manifestarile firesti de exprimare a afectiunii.
Stim ca bebelusii care nu au contact fizic cu mamele, mangaieri, masaj, exprimarea afectiunii prin atingeri, devin mai expusi bolilor, mai labili fizic si psihic.
Esenin a fost crescut de fapt de bunici.

Asta aduce o mare confuzie de identitate, mai ales cand copilul se compara cu alti copii, care au parinti. De aici e posibil sa vina sentimentul de instrainare, de cazut in lumea aceasta, de dezradacinare mereu prezent in poezia lui Esenin. Dovada faptului ca nu a integrat abandonul emotional in mod corect e si faptul ca s-a sinucis la 30 de ani, fiind prea labil emotional.


Vina si Rusine: diferente

Posted: August 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

Shame or low self-esteem plays a major role in stifling our Child Within. Shame is both a feeling or emotion, and an experience that happens to the total self, which is our True Self or Child Within. Shame or low self-esteem plays a major role in stifling our Child Within. Shame is both a feeling or emotion, and an experience that happens to the total self, which is our True Self or Child Within

Growing up in a troubled or dysfunctional family is nearly always associated with shame and low self-esteem in all members of that family. Only the manifestations of shame vary among family members. We each adapt to shame in our own way. The major similarity is that nearly everyone will be co-dependent and operates primarily from their false self. We can thus describe the troubled or dysfunctional family as being shame-based.

People often confuse shame with guilt. While we feel both, there is a difference between them.
Guilt is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that results from doing something that violates or breaks a personal standard or value, or from hurting another person, or even from breaking an agreement or a law. Guilt thus concerns our behavior, feeling bad about what we have done, or about what we didn’t do that we were supposed to have done

Like most feelings, guilt can be a useful emotion to help guide us in our relationships with ourselves and with others. Guilt tells us that our conscience is functioning. People who never experience guilt or remorse after transgressions have difficulty in their lives, and are classically said to have an anti-social personality disorder.

Guilt that is useful and constructive we call ”healthy” guilt. We use this kind of guilt to live in society, to resolve our conflicts or difficulties, to correct our mistakes, or to improve our relationships. When guilt is detrimental to our serenity, our peace of mind, and our functioning including our mental, emotional and spiritual growth we call it „unhealthy” guilt. People from troubled or dysfunctional homes or environments often have a mixture of healthy and unhealthy guilt. Unhealthy guilt is usually not handled or worked through and lingers on, at times becoming psychologically and emotionally disabling. Our „responsibility” to family overcomes our responsibility to our True Self. There may also be „survivor” guilt, wherein the person feels guilty and unworthy for leaving and abandoning others in a troubled environment or surviving in life after others may have failed

Guilt can be relieved substantially by recognizing its presence and by then working it through. This means that we experience it, and discuss it with trusted and appropriate others. In its simplest resolution, we may apologize to the person whom we may have harmed or deceived, and ask their forgiveness. In its more complex forms, we may have to talk about the guilt in more depth, perhaps in group or in individual therapy.
Guilt is often easier to recognize and resolve than is shame.

Shame is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that we experience when we realize that a part of us is defective, bad, incomplete, rotten, phoney, inadequate or a failure. In contrast to guilt, where we feel bad from doing something wrong, we feel shame from being something wrong or bad. Thus guilt seems to be correctable or forgiveable, whereas there seems to be no way out of shame.

Our Child Within or True Self feels the shame and can express it, in a healthy way, to safe and supportive people. Our co-dependent or false self, on the other hand, pretends not to have the shame, and would never tell anyone about it.
We all have shame. Shame is universal to being human. If we do not work through it and then let go of it, shame tends to accumulate and burden us more and more, until we even become its victim.
In addition to feeling defective or inadequate, shame makes us believe that others can see through us, through our facade, into our defectiveness. Shame feels hopeless: that no matter what we do, we cannot correct it

We feel isolated and lonely with our shame, as though we are the only one who has the feeling.
What is more, we may say, „I’m afraid to tell you about my shame because if I do, you’ll think I’m bad, and I can’t stand hearing how bad I am. And so not only do I keep it to myself, but I often block it out or pretend that it is not there.
„I may even disguise my shame as if it were some other feeling or action and then project that onto other people.” Some of these feelings and actions that may mask our shame include:

We feel isolated and lonely with our shame, as though we are the only one who has the feeling.
What is more, we may say, „I’m afraid to tell you about my shame because if I do, you’ll think I’m bad, and I can’t stand hearing how bad I am. And so not only do I keep it to myself, but I often block it out or pretend that it is not there.
„I may even disguise my shame as if it were some other feeling or action and then project that onto other people.” Some of these feelings and actions that may mask our sha

Contempt Neglect or Withdrawal
Resentment Attack Abandonment
Rage Control Disappointment, and
Blame Perfectionism Compulsive Behavior

„And when I feel or act out any of these disguises, it serves a useful purpose to my co-dependent or false self acting as a defense against my feeling the shame. But, even though I may defend myself well against my shame, it can still be seen by others; when I hang my head, slump down, avoid eye contact or apologize for having needs and rights. I may even feel somewhat nauseated, cold, withdrawn and alienated (Fischer, 1985). But no matter how well I may defend myself and others against it, my shame will not go away unless I learn what it is, experience it and share it with safe and supportive others.”:

Charles Whitfield, Healing the inner child

de ce unii sunt slabi claditi

Posted: August 25, 2010 in Uncategorized
if the mother or other parent figure cannot provide these first few needs, the child’s physical, mental-emotional and spiritual growth would likely be stunted. One reason may be that the mother herself is so impoverished and needy that she uses her infant to satisfy her own unmet needs. This is an amazing thing about infants. They can sense that mother is needy, and can eventually detect her specific needs and begin providing them for her. Of course, this carries a major price the denial, stifling and stunting of the infant’s own True Self or Child Within. That price escalates as the child grows into an adult, with resulting physical, mental-emotional and spiritual suffering.
charles whitfield, healing the inner child

Human needs

Posted: August 24, 2010 in inner child
1 Survival
2. Safety
3. Touching, skin contact
4. Attention
5. Mirroring and echoing
6. Guidance
7. Listening
8. Being real
9. Participating
10. Acceptance
Others are aware of, take seriously and admire the Real You
Freedom to be the Real You
Tolerance of your feelings
Belonging and love
11. Opportunity to grieve losses and to grow
12. Support
13. Loyalty and trust
14. Accomplishment
Mastery, „Power,” „Control”
Having a sense of completion
Making a contribution
15. Altering one’s state of consciousness, transcending the ordinary
16. Sexuality
17. Enjoyment or fun
18. Freedom
19. Nurturing
20. Unconditional love (including connection with a Higher Power)

Charles Whitfield, Healing the inner child

real self – fake self

Posted: August 24, 2010 in Uncategorized
Some Characteristics of the Real Self and the Co-dependent Self.
Real Self Co-Dependent Self
Authentic Self Unauthentic Self, mask
True Self False Self, persona
Genuine Ungenuine, „as-if” personality
Spontaneous Plans and plods
Expansive, loving Contracting, fearful
Giving, communicating Withholding
Accepting of self and others Envious, critical, idealized, perfectionistic
Compassionate Other-oriented, overly conforming
Loves Unconditionally Loves conditionally
Feels feelings, including appropriate, spontaneous, current anger Denies or hides feelings, including long-held anger (resentment)
Assertive Aggressive and/or passive
Intuitive Rational, logical
Child Within, Inner Child Ability to be child like Over-developed parent/adult scripts; may be childish
Needs to play and have fun Avoids play and fun
Vulnerable Pretends always to be strong
Powerful in true sense Limited power
Trusting Distrusting
Enjoys being nurtured Avoids being nurtured
Surrenders Controls, withdraws
Self-indulgent Self-righteous
Open to the unconscious Blocks unconscious material
Remembers our Oneness Forgets our Oneness; feels separate
Free to grow Tends to act out unconscious often painful patterns repeatedly
Private self Public self
Our Real Self is spontaneous, expansive, loving, giving, and communicating. Our True Self accepts ourselves and others. It feels, whether the feelings may be joyful or painful. And it expresses those feelings. Our Real Self accepts our feelings without judgment and fear, and allows them to exist as a valid way of assessing and appreciating life’s events.
Our Child Within is expressive, assertive, and creative. It can be childlike in the highest, most mature, and evolved sense of the word. It needs to play and to have fun. And yet it is vulnerable, perhaps because it is so open and trusting. It surrenders to itself, to others and ultimately to the universe. And yet it is powerful in the true sense of power. It is

healthily self-indulgent, taking pleasure in receiving and in being nurtured. It is also open to that vast and mysterious part of us that we call our unconscious. It pays attention to the messages that we receive daily from the unconscious, such as dreams, struggles and illness.
By being real, it is free to grow. And while our co-dependent self forgets, our Real Self remembers our Oneness with others and with the universe. Yet for most of us, our Real Self is also our private self. Who knows why we chose not to share? Perhaps it is a fear of being hurt or being rejected. Some have estimated that we show our True Self to others on average for only about 15 minutes each day. For whatever reasons, we tend to keep that part of us private.
When we „come from” or when we are our True Self, we feel alive. We may feel pain in the form of hurt, sadness, guilt or anger, but we nonetheless feel alive. Or we may feel joy, in the form of contentment, happiness, inspiration or even ecstasy. Overall, we tend to feel current, complete, finished, appropriate, real, whole and sane. We feel alive.
Our Child Within flows naturally from the time we are born to the time that we die and during all of our times and transitions in between. We don’t have to do anything to be our True Self. It just is. If we simply let it be, it will express itself with no particular effort on our part. Indeed, any effort is usually in denying our awareness and expression of it.
Our False or Co-dependent Self
By contrast, another part of us generally feels uncomfortable, strained, or unauthentic. I use the following terms interchangeably: false self, co-dependent self, unauthentic or public self.
Our false self is a cover-up. It is inhibited, contracting and fearful. It is our egocentric ego and super-ego, forever planning and plodding, continually selfish and withholding. It is envious, critical, idealized, blaming, shaming and perfectionistic.
Alienated from the True Self, our false self is other-oriented, i.e., focuses on what it thinks others want it to be; it is over-conforming. It gives its love only conditionally. It covers up, hides or denies feelings. Even so, it may make up false feelings, as it often does when we consistently answer a „How are you?” with a perfunctory „I’m just fine.” This quick response is often necessary or

helpful to defend against the frightening awareness of the false self, which either doesn’t know how it feels or does know and has censured these feelings as „wrong” or „bad.”
Rather than be appropriately assertive for the Real Self it is often either inappropriately aggressive and/or passive.
Our false self tends to be the „critical parent,” should we use transactional analysis script terminology. It avoids playing and having fun. It pretends to be „strong” or even „powerful.” Yet its power is only minimal or non-existent, and it is in reality unusually fearful, distrusting and destructive.
Because our co-dependent self needs to withdraw and to be in control, it sacrifices nurturing or being nurtured. It cannot surrender. It is self-righteous and attempts to block information coming from the unconscious. Even so, it tends to repeatedly act out unconscious, often painful patterns. Because it forgets our Oneness, it feels separate. It is our public self who we think others and eventually even we think we should be.
Most of the time, in the role of our false or co-dependent self, we feel uncomfortable, numb, empty or in a contrived state. We do not feel real, complete, whole or sane. At one level or another, we sense that something is wrong, something is missing.
Paradoxically, we often feel like this false self is our natural state, the way we „should be.” This could be our addiction or attachment to being that way. We become so accustomed to being our co-dependent self that our Real Self feels guilty, like something is wrong, that we shouldn’t feel real and alive. To consider changing this problem is frightening.
This false or co-dependent self appears to be universal among humans. It has been described or referred to countless times in print and in our daily lives. It has been called such diverse names as a survival tool, psychopathology, the egocentric ego and the impaired or defensive self (Masterson, 1985). It can be destructive to self, others and intimate relationships. However, it is a double-edged sword. It has some uses. But just how useful is it? And under what circumstances?

From Charles Whitfield, „Healing the Inner Child”

Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics
de: Lerner Rokelle

Affirmations for the Inner Child
by: Rokelle Lerner

Copiii care au crescut in familii cu parinti alcoolici sau controlativi au anumite caracteristici numai ale lor. E bine sa fie cunoscute, pt ca astfel pot fi evitate multe probleme in viata. De pilda acesti copii cand cresc tind sa fie atasati de manipulatori, desi intuiesc ca nu e ceva in regula, dar e o caracteristica dobandita in copilarie, si care ii face sa rupa greu relatia desi se simt manipulati si nesatisfacuti. Sunt devotati si fideli si cand nu e cazul, de  pilda cu un manipulator ce pozeaza in iubit, sot sau prieten, desi e un impostor. Ii face vulnerabili la santaj emotional, la cedare in fata pretentiilor de control ale manipulatorului.

Cartile de mai sus sunt pe principiul a 365 de scurte meditatii psihologice, bune de citit zilnic si practicat pentru acesti copii deveniti adulti (adult children). Meditatiile sunt profunde si practice. Spor la exersat!

Despre fantomele din cap

Posted: August 12, 2010 in cognitii

„Some of us have so many voices in our heads, we could hold group therapy by ourselves,” said Rokelle Lerner, a popular speaker and trainer on relationships, women’s issues, and addicted family systems.

This internal chorus is often composed of voices from our family of origin, voices of critical teachers or bosses, voices from past relationships or current situations. Often these voices are drowned out by our own voice nagging, reprimanding, berating, but rarely praising us.

„In times of stress or chaos, the voices grow louder and it’s easy to go numb”

„We become estranged from our purpose and our passion. Our response is fear, and our reaction is an attempt at control.” We frequently become children again during times of stress — reverting to old and unhealthy patterns that were present in dysfunctional families or relationships. Our boss becomes our mother, the vindictive coworker becomes the childhood bully. Although we are adults, we feel like vulnerable children, and this vulnerability puts us at risk for depression, substance abuse, or other addictive behaviors.

„We need to ‘grow ourselves up’ when we feel little,” said Lerner. Growing up is about setting appropriate boundaries and limits and turning from reactivity to creativity. „Without boundaries, we all react to the past and retreat to family patterns,” said Lerner. Boundaries communicate „what I value I will protect, but what you value I will respect.”

Lerner said that growing up is about maintaining dignity and integrity, and being „authentic” with ourselves — a skill that takes practice and preparation. It’s about learning how or whether you want to „show up” in a situation, how you want to communicate what you need or want to say, and then taking the consequences for what you say and do. It’s also about listening attentively and with respect. When people communicate clearly, directly, honestly, and sensitively, they are learning to speak from the best part of themselves to the best part of others, said Lerner.

„Healthy adults learn how to make appropriate requests, how to set limits, and how to take action,” said Lerner. She gave an example of a skateboarder who taunted a woman by skating too close to her, knocking the newspaper she held out of her hands. The woman at first reacted explosively by yelling and calling the adolescent every derogatory name she could think of. He just laughed and walked away. Overcoming that first raw reaction, she called him back, this time explaining in a much calmer voice, „What I meant to say is that you scared me. I thought you were going to hurt me.”

„If you can’t identify your emotions right away, at least you can control your behavior,” said Lerner. This „fake it ‘til you make it” approach is one of the first things people recovering from addiction learn. It often requires counting to 10, breathing deeply, or excusing yourself until you feel more in control. Reacting reflectively rather than reflexively opens the door for honest interaction.

Boundaries differ for each individual and for each situation, but run along a continuum from „too intrusive” on one end to „too distant” on the other. The trick is to pay close attention to your instincts and feelings so you can strike a healthy balance in relationships that will honor your own boundaries. If an interaction feels inappropriate or uncomfortable, the chances are a personal boundary is being tested or crossed or a need is not getting met.

The more we practice sifting through all the voices in our heads, tuning into and trusting the one clear voice within that guides and protects us, the better we will get at identifying and respecting our own personal boundaries. We will also get better at developing strategies to take the best possible care of ourselves when we feel our boundaries are being violated. We discover how outlets like mutual-help groups, hot baths, long walks, and prayer or meditation feed our soul better than drugs or alcohol. We discover how good it feels to be a grown-up.