Charles Whitfield, Healing the inner child
When we live our life in a shame-based and co-dependent stance, focusing inordinately on others, we naturally feel as though something is missing, that we are somehow incomplete. We are unhappy, tense, distressed, feel bad and/or numb. But to be real seems too threatening to us. We tried being real with others, and too often were rejected or punished for it. And so to be real again, to express our feelings and get our other needs met, seems too scary. Besides, we are not used to doing this. So we defend ourselves against realizing our real needs and feelings
But our Real or True Self, our Child Within, now alienated and hidden from us, has an innate desire and energy to express itself. Secretly, we want to feel its aliveness and its creativity. Held in for so long, stuck in such an approach-avoidance dilemma, its only way out is through a specific form or negative compulsive behavior that has worked for us in the past, even though we may get only a glimpse of our True Self by doing so. Such compulsive actions range across a wide spectrum of possible behaviors, from heavy use of alcohol or other drugs, to short-term, intense relationships, to trying to control another person. It may involve overeating, oversexing, overworking, overspending or even over-attending self-help group meetings.
| This compulsive behavior tends to be negative in some way, such as self-destruction or other-destruction. It may produce a crisis as a side effect or may precipitate a crisis for self and for others. While we can control the behavior to some extentwe have some degree of willpower over it, in that we may even plan itit often occurs impulsively and automatically, as if by reflex. | ||
| When we behave compulsively, we usually get temporary relief from tension, suffering and numbness, even though we might feel some shame about it. And even though of short duration, we feel alive again. However, later we are left feeling shameful and incomplete (Fischer, 1985). | ||||
| This type of behavior has also been called the repetition compulsion (Miller, 1981, 1983). It comes about from unsolved internal conflict that we carry in our unconscious mind, the place within us of which we are not usually aware. | ||||
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